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One of Dads Greatest Blessing

July 31, 2007


By Louis Neiger

I am about to share something that is not considered to be politically correct. Before your young adult daughters go back to public school or college we should continue to sit down with them, even at younger ages twelve or thirteen, and suggest that they wait on God for the right young man.

Abstinence is NOT a bad word. Your daughter has choices if she does not indulge in sex. Once she has sex she lost the choice of keeping her self for the one God has especially prepared for her.

My wife and I have thirteen wonderful children ages thirty-five years down to eight years. We have been additionally blessed with the oldest two children marrying two great spouses and as of this writing nine grandchildren that can almost do no wrong. Well, we do know better, there is the sin nature after all.

God has given us the grace and wisdom to raise our children a different way and correct mistakes and make adjustments as parents in raising up our children by not conforming to how the present liberal left is taking the country in politics, media and our schools.

Our third adult child Heather is preparing for marriage soon to a wonderful man from Baltimore. I was blessed to be part of seeing God work in preparing her for twenty-eight years for the right young man. Also being part of her life in making sure he is a suitable man.

Heather had given me permission to make sure that the one to whom I give her to will indeed be worthy of her. This is not an easy task. Outward appearance is deceiving, and I could be quite capable of being deceived. I screened the young man who would court my daughter. In this screening process I became the chief screener. Do you know what questions to ask and how to ask them? Do you know how to get behind the young man’s facade and know the real man? Well at the end I will share some of those questions.

Heather is a family coordinator for two states in a national Home school organization. She first met the young man in Chicago at a coordinator meeting. The young man was stricken by her looks, work ethics and her ability to be very organized. She is articulate and just has a knack of getting the job done and getting other people motivated. In his mind he thought she would be a wonderful wife for him and she communicated to him he would have to contact me. You see, Heather told me if she was to marry I had to say OK first. “Dad, you must get this right,” she told me, as she does not want to marry a dud.

My adult daughters have all made commitments to themselves and God, for them not to be alone and to develop emotional attachments with any men. Guys come around asking for my daughters’ hand, but they really want much more. They want the entire lifetime I have invested her. They want to reap the harvest that GOD, Linda and I have so carefully tended and protected for the best part of her life. When that young man comes around asking for my daughter, he is making off with a major fruit of my life. My involvement is a protection for my daughters. As a man I can spot insincerity in another man easier than my daughter after her hormones are raging and her brain has gone south. Women want to believe that they can change things about a man once they are married. Only God can change a heart. If a young woman understands this and does not allow a young man to steal her affections before her father has a chance to check him out she will save herself and her future children a lot of grief.

I’ve had several young men ask to court, or marry my daughters whom I was able to eliminate. It’s called marriage Q & A. You ask the right questions, and he tries to give the right answers. There are some concerns that are universal and must be addressed. They are serious enough that any father should reject a suitor who doesn’t measure up. Getting to the truth early and openly is the key.

I read an article ‘Dad’s daughter’ by Michael Pearl’ March April 2006 issue No Greater Joy which he articulates some of my same views and I will be sharing in part from his article of the insights of how to question young men as follows:

Now, to get down to serious business.

Before I bothered to check up on references, and immediately upon being approached I cut to the quick with him. The young man was obviously little nervous and unsure of himself, so I put him at ease by being at ease. I started out by asking inconsequential questions that are not likely to be of any great importance,

This first, powerful question will eliminate 75% or more of the unfit suitors. If their answers and their heart have satisfied you so far, then you might want to ask, “Name the last ten movies you have watched, and tell me about them.” Be advised, your daughters’ and his children, your grandchildren, will grow up watching TV with him. Ask him what channel his car radio is tuned to, and the last three music CDs he purchased. Music both molds the soul and expresses it. A person is defined by the music he prefers.

Ask him about his home life. “Are your parents happily married? Do you want your marriage to be like theirs?” Follow up with, “What is it that they do wrong/right, and what would you do differently?” It is a fact that the home life of a young man is predictive of how his home life will be with your daughter. If his father is an insensitive brute, remember that this young man has been molded in his father’s image, for he received his worldview (family view) from his family.

Find out how he relates to his brothers and sisters. If he is fatherly and protective of his younger siblings, then he will be so with his own children. If he thinks they are brats and avoids them, then he is selfish and will not like his own children. How does he view his mother? That’s how he will view his wife.

Pause for a moment and just look at him. He is relaxed again. You have gotten past the hard part, so he thinks. Let the pause be long enough for sobering effect. Establish eye contact now and ask, “Have you ever had sex with a girl?” If he answers that one OK, follow up with, “Have you ever had sexual contact with another male?” Up to one fourth of the boys today have. You know him now. If there is any doubt, pursue it immediately. Look for signs of shame and lying. A growing number of teenagers have. You’d better find out now before it’s too late.

Don’t take shock for guilt. An innocent and naive young man who has been quite protected all his life may be shocked at the question. But if the young adult looks like he just got caught with his hand in the cookie jar, you likely have a porno freak seeking your daughter’s hand. He may end up molesting your grandkids. He has failed the suitor test, not just by viewing pornography, but also by lying about it. Even though he is unfit to be any girl’s husband at this point in his life, you might want to take the opportunity to counsel him for his own good. Warn him against pornography and tell him how it has disqualified him. Assure him that it is not too late to become a man of virtue, but it will take several years of staying clean” before he could be trusted.

Many marriages today end in divorce over pornography. This is a very important issue and is usually kept hidden unless a father interested in the future of his daughter and grandchildren takes the time to ask these hard questions. Dads, there is no question whatsoever that the task is daunting. How are two young adults, who are suited to a life together, going to find each other in the fog of sin and folly in which we all live? Pray. I say again a thousand times: pray. Plead with God and ask him for wisdom. Ask him for a miracle. Linda and I prayed for and with Heather and the rest of the family. We continue to pray for our other children as well to find that someone God has created especially for them.

Here is part of the list Heather gave me for the “Prince Charming” several years ago which I did use along with prayer, observation, and with checking up on references before he took her out the 1st time.

1. Testimony of salvation

2. What is your personal relationship with Jesus like? (Personal devotions, prayer life – maybe ask what the Lord has been teaching him lately)

3. Are your parents in full agreement with this courtship?

4. Have you ever struggled with pornography? If so, how long ago and what steps have you taken to conquer it? What commitments and changes have you made – so this will not happen again?

  1. How do you know that this is the Lords will?
  1. What do you see in her that is making you pursue her?

7. What is your definition of love?

8. What do you believe is the role of the husband?

9. What do you believe is the role of the wife?

10. Are you financially ready to support a family? If not, when will you be?

11. What is the role of both sets of parents when you are married?

12. If we were to ask your mother how you treat her, what would she say?

13. What is your view and role of children …How many children do you want?

14.What is your belief on a wife working outside the home?

15. What is your view on TV?

16. What is your view on movies, videos, video games, secular and Christian?

17. What is your commitments concerning music? What is your standard for Godly music?

18. Do you struggle with anger?

19. Would your family say that you struggle with anger?

20. Are there currently any significant time-wasters in your life that have hindered your walk with the Lord or become an idol?

21. Were there significant time wasters that the Lord convicted you of within the last few years? If so, how have they been resolved?

22. What scripture have you been meditating on lately?

Parents it is never too early or late in life to turn off the TV and spend good time with your daughters and sons. Linda and I are blessed to be best friends with all of our children. They look to us on many issues for guidance and direction. We have been able to share our successes along with our failures. Hopefully they will never have to go through our failures. Our Pastor Dr. Gary Ledbetter of Kennerly Road Baptist church stated, in a recent message. “God is a God of second chances.” Talk with your children about the mistakes and give them direction or redirection.

Soon they will be gone.

Enjoy, till next time

Lou Neiger has worked in the Insurance Planning field since 1981 and earned his CLU designation from the American College in Bryn Mawr, Pa. Lou has been published in several papers as a guest columnist in South Carolina. He and his family live in Newberry



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